Confession

You know, I have to keep thinking about that day..that Thursday. When my life turn over...when everything has changed. When my heart fell apart into the pieces..Now, I have to find and pick up every little piece. Well, If I want to patch up my heart I should.

But ´Thursday´ has carved something into my heart before it fell apart. It was pain. Enormous, unforgettable pain. Something really bad happened. When my mom told me, all I wanted was death...or just fall asleep and don´t wake until everything´s fine. But then I realized, nothing´s going to be fine. NOTHING like before.

I thought, I was optimistic. But obviously, I am not that much. However, I figured out that I am perfect actress and liar. I can smile all day long and then...cry all nights in my bad, praying..I can lauhg and feel my pain in the same time. I know, she wouldn´t be very happy, If she saw me. But I can´t help myself...

Pretending, to protect my family. They have to see that I am strong and I still believe.. I haven´t lost my hope...yet. Maybe, I believe. But I don´t think I will be the same as before...when everything ends. I won´t be ME. Ever again.

Now, I wake up every hour at night...from awful nightmares. Crying. I can´t sleep. Eat. Breathe. Not without feeling, what is going to happen to my family next time. Every second of every minute of every hour of last 10 days, I am keep thinking. I am not thinking about the question Why me? Why SHE? Why now?..actually...WHY???

I can´t live like this. I need someone...something...miracle. I need her to feel good again. I don´t want to see her in pain. I wish this happened to me..not to her. I could handle it. If I could change it, I wouldn´t defer...I would change it. I want her to speak again...to be here with me. I want her with me. Laugh. Think. Care. So please, someone....MAKE THIS NIGHTMARE STOP!

..just by the way...

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